"Professor" Chris Lamont, an assistant instructor at Arizona State University and one of the founders of both Phoenix Film Festivals, begged and pleaded with me to allow him the great honor of helping me catalog my priceless and irreplaceable historic film collection.

 ...and then mysteriously disappeared with it!

I wanted to believe that there was a good explanation, so I didn't write this story until I heard what he had to say.  It was over fifteen years before Chris came out of hiding. It was almost another five years before I spoke to him face-to-face.

Me: What happened to you?  Where did you go?

   Chris: What do you mean? We just drifted away.

   Me: Oh, alright.  What did you do with my film?

   Chris: Film?  What film?  I don't know anything about any film.  ...and even if I did know anything about it, ...there's nothing you can do about it, my wife's a lawyer and my mom works for the police.  Besides, the statute of limitations is up.

I can't say that I'm at all surprised to hear those words, but I can tell you that I simply can't believe that anyone would still be such a shitbag (and a pussy) after all this time.

Chris, let me tell you something, ...YOU ARE A FUCKING ASSHOLE! Ok? ...YOUR WIFE'S A SKANKY WHORE! Alright? ...AND YOUR MOM IS A STUPID BITCH! ...AND... YOUR CHILDREN ARE LITTLE BASTARDS!  Now, I don't expect you to understand this, so I'm going to explain it to you (but not here right now).

Now, I only have one little question for you and I'm going to insist on a reasonable answer:

Where is my film?!?

Do you understand the question? I want to know: " What was some god-damned important that you couldn't live your life without? "

I tried to be a good friend to you and your family, ...and you betray my trust by stealing something very important to me and running off like a shitbag for over twenty years! Running from me! Now it's time for you to grow up, and return my stuff.

I don't want to hear any bullshit excuses about how you don't remember having it, or that it wasn't mine, or you lost it, and I especially don't want to hear how it magically became yours after you refused to return it and ran off like a fucking chicken-shit! Alright? So quit being a fucking idiot.

This is not going to be your little secret, and I'm not going to "let it go" ...EVER! So get your story together and let me hear it. In writing.

3,874 frames from 7 scenes and you need to account for every last one of them.  In addition, I want to know about the 10 frames each from all 7 scenes that I gave to you. You see, I gave you those as a sign of friendship (without obligation), and you are not a friend. That's original 1976 70mm Star Wars film footage that you OWE me.  So cough it up!

If you want to keep my collection, first you need to return it, then I'll still honor my offer to sell it to you for a million dollars (1982 currency), which works out to around $1,000 per frame. Don't even try to negotiate the price now that I've had to chase your stupid ass around for two decades.